26 June 2010

Time

There's a saying that Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. I'm not sure I believe that. I think time can...soften wounds, but they never leave. They bind themselves to you, become part of who you are. You're changed by them.

Today is the third anniversary of my mother's death. And...this is going to sound terrible, but...today, of all days, I haven't really stopped and take time to truly think of her and of what I've lost by not having her in my life any more. (It's not deliberate, at least I don't think is it.) I'm sure I sound callous, but...in all honesty, there isn't really a day that goes by that I don't miss her. A day that I don't want her back. I'd give everything I own to have her back. But..life doesn't work that way. Life simply...is. I'm lucky that I had as long with her as I did. I know a lot of people don't have that opportunity, and I'm so very grateful I did. And...even though watching her die was the hardest thing I have ever done, and even though I miss her terribly, I'm glad she didn't linger. That would have been worse.

I remember making her a promise the week before she died. I don't know how it came up, but she made me promise not to spend my life looking after the family. She knew it would fall to me, if she wasn't there. Because it had fallen to her. She wanted me to life my life. I'm still trying to keep that promise. I'm not doing very well...it's such a hard promise to keep and my family are so...needy. But I have to keep trying. Not just for my mother, but also for me.

13 comments:

  1. *hugs* - she would be SO PROUD of you and how far you've come over the past 3 years.

    You're an amazing woman, kechara; and while you're a very different person, there are still character strengths I remember from her that very much still live on in you :-)

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  2. Your mother sounds like an extraordinarily generous and loving person--how lucky you are for having had her in your life.

    I know you'll succeed in keeping your promise to her, and more likely sooner than you think you will. As starfirenz say, you are an amazing, amazing person, orannia. *hug*

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  3. *hug*

    It sounds like she knew you and loved you and wanted good things for you. What a gift.

    *BIG HUG*

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  4. You are doing a great thing already. This is all the proof you need. I bet she is smiling down at you.

    ((HUGS))

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  5. ((((Orannia)))) I understand, and it doesn't sound callous to think of your mom on the anniversary of her death. She's with you every day and you're honoring her by trying to live your own life; that's all you can do.

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  6. Big hugs for you! There's really not much to say... I wish you well and can only admire what a beautiful person you are; what an extraordinary person you're becoming.

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  7. Although I only know you through blogland, I admire your honesty so much. Big hugs to you.

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  8. Thank you kechara! That means a lot. And...what I didn't write but was thinking was that...it means so much to me that you knew her. *hugs*

    (((azteclady))) Thank you! She was an amazing person. I just wish she'd had the chance to live her life (if that makes sense).

    Chris - thank you! *hugs*

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  9. (((Katiebabs))) Thank you!

    heidenkind - thank you...for your hug and for the words.

    (((Mariana))) Thank you! That means a lot.

    Mandi - thank you! *hugs* And it's amazing the connections that can be made online. And I must confess, now I probably wouldn't have written such an open (honest) post, but...Saturday night it just poured out, so I left it there :)

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  10. Well said and besides in a blink of an eye we will be with our love ones. God Bless You!!!

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  11. Thank you Joanne.

    Janne - thank you! *big hug back*

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  12. You are doing great things with your life. Do the best you can to fulfill your promise to your mom, but I imagine she'd be proud of whatever you choose do by your family members at this point. She clearly wanted you to be happy and free like you deserve to be. xoxo

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