According to the Oxford English Dictionary:
Fraud • noun 1 wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain: he was convicted of fraud [mass noun]; prosecutions for social security frauds [count noun]. 2 a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities: mediums exposed as tricksters and frauds [count noun]. Origin: Middle English: from Old French fraude, from Latin fraus, fraud - 'deceit, injury.
I'm not talking about the former definition, but the latter. I'm... *deep breath* a fraud. And that's exactly what came out of my mouth yesterday. (Foot in mouth disease in motion) As I said it, I realized just how strongly (read completely) it resonated with me. I think...on some level I've always felt like a fraud. I felt like one at school, when I kept wondering how I ended up in the classes that I did. I felt it at university, attempting and eventually succeeding to enter a highly specialized field. I felt it all the way through training in that field... I felt lost many times during that training, but...it's like I was too scared to admit just how lost I was, because then I would be exposed for the fraud that I was. And I still feel this way - at work, online...everywhere.
I had a planned appointment with the unnamed expert yesterday and so voiced my...statement to her. And then I added a further sentence: 'I'm just waiting for someone...anyone...to discover that I'm actually completely worthless'. And to all this the unnamed expert uttered one sentence...(and I'm paraphrasing) - that considering oneself worthless was...characteristic of a child of a narcissistic parent. And I'm just that. Perhaps that is why Blue-Eyed Devil (Lisa Kleypas) resonated so much with me.
So, where does this leave me? Well...a little wiser I guess. And...less alone. Sometimes it's hard when you think you're an outlier. And I suppose any journey (or walkabout) requires one to stop occasionally and...position oneself...decide where to go to next. This is obviously one of those times.
And on a complete different note. Has anyone else upgraded to IE9? From where I sit IE9 and Blogger are incompatible! I have to publish posts via my iPhone! *heads desk*
Edited to add: I've uninstalled IE9, so now I have control of my Publish Post button again - YAH!