15 April 2011

Fraud

According to the Oxford English Dictionary:

Fraud • noun 1 wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain: he was convicted of fraud [mass noun]; prosecutions for social security frauds [count noun]. 2 a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities: mediums exposed as tricksters and frauds [count noun]. Origin: Middle English: from Old French fraude, from Latin fraus, fraud - 'deceit, injury.

I'm not talking about the former definition, but the latter. I'm... *deep breath* a fraud. And that's exactly what came out of my mouth yesterday. (Foot in mouth disease in motion) As I said it, I realized just how strongly (read completely) it resonated with me. I think...on some level I've always felt like a fraud. I felt like one at school, when I kept wondering how I ended up in the classes that I did. I felt it at university, attempting and eventually succeeding to enter a highly specialized field. I felt it all the way through training in that field... I felt lost many times during that training, but...it's like I was too scared to admit just how lost I was, because then I would be exposed for the fraud that I was. And I still feel this way - at work, online...everywhere.

I had a planned appointment with the unnamed expert yesterday and so voiced my...statement to her. And then I added a further sentence: 'I'm just waiting for someone...anyone...to discover that I'm actually completely worthless'. And to all this the unnamed expert uttered one sentence...(and I'm paraphrasing) - that considering oneself worthless was...characteristic of a child of a narcissistic parent. And I'm just that. Perhaps that is why Blue-Eyed Devil (Lisa Kleypas) resonated so much with me.

So, where does this leave me? Well...a little wiser I guess. And...less alone. Sometimes it's hard when you think you're an outlier. And I suppose any journey (or walkabout) requires one to stop occasionally and...position oneself...decide where to go to next. This is obviously one of those times.

And on a complete different note. Has anyone else upgraded to IE9? From where I sit IE9 and Blogger are incompatible! I have to publish posts via my iPhone! *heads desk*

Edited to add: I've uninstalled IE9, so now I have control of my Publish Post button again - YAH!

12 comments:

  1. I think everyone feels like that way sometimes, but as long as you're not trying to be a fraud, you're okay. :)

    I don't use IE, Just FF or Chrome.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your post reminded me of the end of the poem "After a While" by Veronica A. Shoffstall:

    After a while you learn
    That even sunshine burns if you get too much
    So you plant your own garden
    And decorate your own soul
    Instead of waiting
    For someone to bring you flowers

    And you learn
    That you really can endure
    That you are really strong
    And you really do have worth
    And you learn and you learn
    With every good bye you learn.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's beautiful, Chris!

    I'm sorry that you feel like this, orannia. And I hope that you'll find a way to overcome this feeling, and learn how you can be yourself and that you're not worthless at all. No one is. ((((hugs))))

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, I've never met anyone braver in their journey to truth... I feel sad that you feel like this of yourself, but it is not how I see you. Even though we've never met in person, I find you to be a beautiful, honest person. I wish you well.

    @Chris... that's beautiful :)

    I also use Chrome, not IE..

    ReplyDelete
  5. heidenkind - definitely not trying :) I just feel like I am.

    Chris - that one's beautiful poem. Thank you so much for sharing!

    Janna - thank you. I think now I know I feel this way the next step will be working to overcome it. Don't think it will be easy, but..hey, I'm a WIP :)

    Mariana - ohhhh. Thank you sweetie! Very touched.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are welcome. The bit about "That you are really strong And you really do have worth" runs through my head periodically. I think it's something we need reinforced!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Our workplace is full of people who feel like this. It's imposter syndrome, we all suffer from it, we just don't talk about it. But I can guarantee you that no one there thinks you're a fraud, because you aren't one! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh honey I'm sorry you feel that way. You may feel lost and like a fraud sometimes but, and I'm just guessing here, but you wouldn't have moved up in school or even passed those classes unless there was something there. You have it in you and obviously people see that something or you wouldn't have that specialized job that you have. Maybe your new saying has to be: I feel like a fraud, but that's ok. :)

    Chris - that was lovely - thank you.

    As to IE9? It crashed my computer. Yep. Updated and then the damn thing wouldn't start again - only repair/safe mode screen would come up. We were finally able to somehow reboot it to an earlier time (from before the download) and it's fine now. No IE9 for us!

    ReplyDelete
  9. What a beautiful poem, Chris!

    Orannia, you definitely aren't alone in your feelings, and I completely admire you for making the attempt to work through it all.

    As for IE9. Ugh. I always wait for updated versions before I upgrade. IE is such a crappy browser anyway that I try to avoid it whenever and wherever possible.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Orannia, I'm glad you have someone to help point out those truths. Sometimes its so hard to step outside of our own heads and our own feelings to understand that there are root causes for some of those "voices" telling us destructive things about ourselves. For me, at least, just having that insight helps to combat the negativity.

    Just know that you have lots of people, here, that know you to be the wonderful person that you are. And, I hope that your walkabout continues to help strengthen you and nourish your soul.

    ((Orannia))

    ReplyDelete
  11. Chris - the first four lines of the last paragraph...I need to print them and frame them... Hmmm. Good idea grasshopper :)

    Meredith - Imposter Syndrome? It has a nice ring...scarily :) And thank you. It's just that...I think I've felt this way my whole life - it's ingrained. But that doesn't mean I can't scrub it out :)

    Tracy - I love that quote! And that's a good point, although I wonder if feeling like a fraud didn't...result in self-sabotage. However, even if I went back in time I would only know then what I knew then (if that makes sense) so I would make the same choices. But...the more I learn, the better choices I can try to make now :)

    As for IE9 - so glad I didn't end up in repair/safe mode!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lori - thank you. It is a very interesting journey I am on. The more I learn, the more I realize how far I have to go... And I'm staying away from IE9 until it and Blogger are on the same page. I did learn though how to uninstall an update, so YAH!

    Renee - yes! Particularly WRT the root causes thing. It's taken me ages to articulate the fraud feeling, but...like you said, that insight will help. I guess it's the whole knowing something thing :) The unnamed expert has suggested a book - Trapped In The Mirror. Should be an interesting read. Thank you. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete